Reaching for the Bling Ring (Feat. Chris Christie)

Stanley had waited all his life for this moment and it had finally come – the Bling Ring was his. Standing atop the Washington Monument, Stanley had listened to Sly Stone songs backwards for clues that told him this was where the bling ring had been hidden, he felt like about 3 million in cash and belongings (most of them stolen from Paris Hilton).

“But Stanley!” New Jersey Governor and part time adventuring sidekick Chris Christie exclaimed “What about the Dead Sea Scrolls? Surely those are a bigger treasure than the Bling ring?”

“Worth more, maybe, but they don't contain the power of the Bling Ring! With the bling ring I could bring the Sacremento Kings, Washington Redskins, Dallas Cowboys and the New Jersey Nets under my control, Chris Christie! Who are you to argue with that, Chris Christie?!”

Stanley had a habit of saying people's full names. He felt it had more impact that way.

“Maybe you could even get Patti Stanger to stop saying terrible things that offend gay people?” Chris Christie suggested.

“No, Chris Christie, there are some things even the Bling Ring cannot do” Stanley mournfully replied while daydreaming about Patti Stanger making out with Eddie Cibrian “Hey Chris Christie, how do you pronounce Cibrian?”

But before Chris Christie could answer Stanley's question, Eddie Cibrian's ex – Brandi Glanville – finished clawing her way to the top of the monument and interrupted with “I DON'T EVEN KNOW”.

Stanley turned to look at what could be poorly described as A Brandi Glanville Picture “Whoah there Brandi Glanville, I know you're upset by how Eddie left you to sleep with Demarcus Ware of the Dallas Cowboys but...”

“It wasn't just Demarcus Ware that Eddie slept with. There was also Dez Bryant...and...well...he....he just....did Dallas”

“Eddie Cibrian slept with the entire DALLAS COWBOYS?” Chris Christie exclaimed between erotic fantasies about Patti Stanger reading the dead sea scrolls while wearing the confederate flag. They were some pretty good fantasies, if you find a confluence between modern ignorance and ancient ignorance to be erotic!

“I do! I find a combination of Patti Stanger, the Dead Sea Scrolls and the Confederate flag to be erotic!” exclaimed Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain. “How the hell did you read my mind? As well as the narration?!?” exclaimed Chris Christie, who did not stop his fantasizing.

“Oh” Herman Cain replied “I discovered that if you wrap the Dead Sea Scrolls in a Godfather's pizza, then eat the whole thing, you gain telepathic powers from Jesus”

“From Jesus?” Stanley excitedly barfed, wishing he'd grabbed the Dead Sea Scrolls instead of the Bling Ring.

“Well, that's what I'm going to tell voters – you actually get telepathic powers from the secret ingredient, doritos” Herman Cain explained.

“Wait, that telepathy pizza has to have the Dead Sea Scrolls on it but the secret ingredient is DORITOS?” Brandi Glanville shouted over the high wind that had started up.

At this point Sean Avery showed up “Hey guys, check out my new Amazon tablet!”

“Okay WAIT A MINUTE NOW” Chris Christie yelled, still fantasizing “ We've got Stanley, me – Chris Christie, Brandi Glanville, telepathic Herman Cain and now Sean Avery all standing around on the tip of the Washington monument! This is kind of nuts!”

“Almost as nuts as that Amanda Knox girl, eh Chris Christie?” Stanley spurted from behind the glowing magnificence of the Bling Ring, which he was secretly using to make Sean Avery begin sexting Patti Stanger with his Amazon tablet.

“Hey, too soon Stanley” Chris Christie correctly chastised.

“Guys” Brandi Glanville verbed “I've heard everybody's full name here except Stanley's and that is strange – not unlike my ex, Eddie Cibrian, deciding to leave me so he can sleep with the entire Dallas Cowboys (including but not limited to Demarcus Ware and Dez Bryant).”

Stanley was too busy kissing the Bling Ring to answer, so telepathic Herman Cain read his mind. Herman Cain's jaw dropped.

“What?” squirted Chris Christie “What's his full name, Herman Cain?”

“It's” Herman Cain began “It's....Stanley Eric Oberton”

“Geez” Sean Avery said, having just sent twelve terabytes of premium gay sexting to Patti Stanger “SEO? That's a little on the nose, don't you think?”

“I suppose you could say that Stanley getting a hold of a mystical bling ring that let's him control professional athletes is a kind of SEO optimization? Eh guys?” Chris Christie Chimed in.

Stanley, Chris Christie, Brandi Glanville, telepathic Herman Cain and Sean Avery all enjoyed a good belly laugh about that one and became friends for life.

Then they all climbed down from the Washington Monument and went for some doritos.

THE END